MonochroMe

They say I only see things in black and white.

Sunday
21/20/2008

9:07 pm

happy birthday theo



happy birthday theo

Originally uploaded by charleebrown.


So today would be Theo’s birthday. I can’t believe he’s been gone so long. I can’t believe how often I miss those cuddles. I’m living more and more the life he lived, and wishing he was here to live it with.

Tonight I’m watching Red Skys in a battle of the bands, and hoping they get through to the next round. Yesterday I went to the Ealing Blues festival, and had my tarot read. What a bunch of wank. I mean for starters she said a man would ask me to marry him in three weeks time. Yeah right. She also said that next week I’m gonna feel very sexy and wanted, another unlikely story.

I feel neither of those frankly. The summer party was good, although I did suffer the consequences of tequila, which I think i’ve just about recovered from today.

Here’s hoping that the death card I got for four weeks time brings something good.

Saturday
23/12/2008

11:07 pm

Finally they came to me…



Dying is easy

Originally uploaded by charleebrown.


The tears that is. I’m going to have the infliximab treatment. It’s a mild, crohns’ specific, form of chemo therapy. My hair won’t necessarily fall out, but it might. I’m hoping it doesn’t. I know that’s vein, but it’s part of me. It’s 14 years of me. 14 years ago, everything started going wrong though, so perhaps losing it would be a fresh start. But then again, perhaps I don’t want a fresh start. Perhaps I’d like to turn back time to 14 years ago. When Dario held me in his arms, and told me he loved me. When we went for picnics together, when we held hands, when I was happy. When I was loved. The 29th would be his 25th Birthday. We should be having a big party for him, and yet there will be nothing. This year I cannot lay flowers at his grave, because he no longer has one. Tonight I cradled the last picture of him to my chest, and wished so hard that he would come for me, but nothing.

Why didn’t he stay? Why was he allowed to die? And why am I still here, and not there with him. I want him to hold me again, and tell me he loves me like he used to. I want us to have the life we planned together. And we did. We had it all mapped out. The jobs, the house, the children, all of it. We wanted the same things, we clicked. And now, I’m here, where we planned to be together, alone. My friends are getting married, having children, buying houses. I’m still in the same bedroom I have always had, with nothing but clutter on the side of the bed that shouldn’t be empty.

My room’s mess is a reflection of my life. It’s very quiet right now. And it feels like the world is moving slowly. Almost like it might stop, and you know what, that’d be bliss. I’m not ungrateful for those friends I have, I don’t love them any less, but I so want to be with him, and my babies. And I know I’ve said this over and over, and I know it’s dull and boring, and it’s just me whinning on instead of getting on with it, but I can’t get on with it. I’m weak, I’m sick, and I’m not strong enough to do this alone. I’m not sure I can quite express how I feel in words.

I’m not honestly sure it would help.

I guess I’m still crying out for answers. For help. For someone to be my rock. I need a rock. I need someone to hold me in their arms, and make the world disappear, just long enough for me to regenerate some strength, and some hope. That person, I’m afraid, does not exist, or is not mine to hold. I am nothing but a burden these days. I cause nothing but misery and pain. I cannot help my friends through their struggles. Some won’t even tell me their problems because they feel I have too many of my own. That is not the case. I would love to be of help to someone, to be of use. But alas I am not. I really, honestly, feel, that I should cut my loses, and pack it all in. I’m in debt, I’m ugly, I’m mentally and physically sick, and neither are curable. I’m have desires, that if I fulfilled, would cause so much pain. I don’t want anything anymore, I just want to be at peace.

Please Dario, take me away from here.

Thursday
22/03/2008

10:07 pm

Cuddles please

I’m not in a good way and I need some tlc.  Aside from being mentally more unwell than usual (lots of depressive moods, not sleeping well at all etc) my physical health is once again on a downswing (I’m fairly sure the two are linked).  The crohns got pretty bad again today, almost at it’s worst.   I’m exhausted, but I can’t switch my brain off, and have mini anxiety attacks when I try to get to sleep.

And I’m lonely beyond what words can describe.   My iPod keeps playing mine and Dario’s song, and it just makes me want to be with him, in his arms, where I know I’m loved.  This Sunday coming would be Theo’s birthday, and dear gods I miss him too.  His cheeky grin, his amazing hugs, and his always sharp mind.  Plus I wouldn’t mind having a smoke with him ;)

I’m considering asking the docs for sleeping pills, has anyone used them?  Are there any that _aren’t_ addictive? I have my next consultation on the 9th.  I’m not looking forward to it, because my consultant had decided that if I wasn’t in remission by now (it’s been almost a year since diagnosis), we’d need to consider injections.  I’ve found the following list of potential treatments:

So I’m guessing that as he said injections we’re talking either infliximab or adalimumab.  A lot of these treatments seem to also be used in chemo.  I guess that explains why I feel a bit rough.  I guess I’m in a kinda mild chemo state, persistently with a suppressed immune system.  But it’s tiring, and it’s no fun.  And it doesn’t help the bipolar, and I’m so goddamn lonely!

I have some amazing friends, and I’m very lucky to have them.  I’m less lucky that they all seem to be terminally busy.  Please guys, I need some tlc.  Just chilling out would do me the world of good.  Dammit, a hug now and then would help so much!  I don’t think I want a boyfriend anymore.  I don’t think I actually trust men.  Saying that I know I don’t want a girlfriend, cos I know I don’t trust women.  Yes I want to be loved, but no, I don’t trust anyone with my heart anymore.  Which is sad, cos I’ve got a lot of love to give.  I wish I weren’t so broken, I really do.  I wish I wasn’t such a burden.  Recently I seem to do nothing but cause problems.  I’m so sorry guys.

Tuesday
0/01/2008

12:07 am

…Hello wednesday

Hello wednesday

Originally uploaded by charleebrown.


And now, I’ve got a new Lady in my life, and oh gods does she purr.

I’ve done just short of 50 miles on her today, up to Shepperton lock for lunch with Dad, by the river, in the sun. It was great. And I had one of the best cups of Earl Grey I’ve ever had there!

I can’t wait to take her on holiday, hopefully with my Shasha next summer :D

Tuesday
0/01/2008

12:07 am

Bye Bye Dave…



Bye Bye Dave

Originally uploaded by charleebrown.


So this morning I dropped Dave off at the dealership, and collected my new baby Wednesday. I’m assured that Dave will go to a good home. She was my little one for 7 years, but that was just it, little one.

Sunday
17/22/2008

5:06 pm

I need to get out of here

I’m regressing back to the way I was when I was 15.  Horribly depressed, anti-social.  Drinking, smoking, not sleeping properly, torn up inside.  I need to get away from it all.  I need to be happy again.

Monday
0/16/2008

12:06 am

Stuff is kinda going on..

So I may have bought one of these…

Isn’t she beautiful?  Her name is Wednesday, and I’ve bought her in black.  I should be getting her by the 27th, which is a coincidence.  About a decade ago, in a depressed and drunken stupor, I made myself a promise that had things not fallen into place, future wise, by the 27th June 2008, I would allow myself to end it, but that in the meantime, I had to give it a go.   I have no idea why I chose that date, it was probably the 27th June at the time or something, and I know I would’ve picked being 25, as back then that’s when I’d wanted to have my first child by.

At one point it looked like things were falling into place, but now not so much.  Sam always said there were only three things he wanted in life,

1. Roof over his head

2. Woman in his arms

3. Money in the bank

I tend to agree.  A good job, a good partner and somewhere nice to live are about the three key ingredients.  And obviously I’d probably want to add kids to the mix to make it perfect, but not without those three in place first.  I have a good job.  I like my job.  I don’t mind living at home (although the fact that it’s not my place bugs me, and the fact that I don’t have the ability to just have people over).  I do mind not having someone to cuddle.

I’m doing something about that in a way, I’ve joined a dreaded online dating agency.  This is a mixture of exciting and frustrating.  I’ve winked at and mailed a few good men (and dredging through there weren’t that many of _my_ type).  And I’ve had the odd good one wink at or mail me.  But in general I seem to be ignored by the ones I think are most suited to me, or have people who are in no way my type wink at me.

Saying that I have a date on thurs that I’m quite looking forward to, even  if it is quite nerve racking.  Yes I’m not shy, no I don’t really have a problem talking to “strangers” but I am still a little bit of a weak girly when it comes to the fear of these situations.  And let’s face it, I don’t exactly have a huge amount of self-confidence to carry me through it.

But yeah, some things are at least picking up.  I’ve had a relatively symptom low month (aside from a blip that had Stu offering to take me to hospital, because he’s a sweetheart like that), and even if someone has given me a goddamn cold, I still don’t feel too bad (although that may be the brandy and wine I had for “medicinal” purposes).  I’ve gotta a couple of socially busy weeks coming up.  Including dinner with friends, a “practice” session for a new band (i’ll be the one attempting to sing), two Radiohead gigs and at some point, picking up my new bike.

I also, sadly, have to take Lasi back to the vets.  For the first time in a decade or more, we took her yesterday when Luki went for her standard check-up, and sadly they think she might have cancer.  They found a large “growth” in Lasi’s tummy, and they think that’s the cause.  Luki however seems to be much the same.  Neither seem unhappy, just old, which is expected at their ripe old age of 17.   As long as she’s not in pain, I’ll be ok with it, I just hope she doesn’t have to be put down, as I’m not very good at that (I had to hold Tigger’s paw when they gave him the injection, and it scared me for life.)

And as much as Luki and Lasi aren’t close, they tend to fight, they’ve been getting closer, which tells me one of them’s on the way out.  And I’m not sure how the other will be with it.  (Lasi was distraught when Micro died).

I know they’re _just_ cats, but they’re my family.

Anyway, when something actually happens, I might blog it, but in the meantime it’s more of the waiting game for me.

Thursday
10/12/2008

10:06 am

RIP Mao Mao



Mao Mao being active as usual

Originally uploaded by charleebrown.


Very very sad news today :( http://www.startribune.com/world/19743619.html?location_refer=World

So my beautiful lady is no more. Found on Monday buried under debris, the only (to my knowledge) panda fatality from the earthquake.

She was such a wonderful panda. Always happy, never any trouble, and quite simply the easiest to clean up after. She always left her bamboo debris on her little path where it was easy to gather it, and not scattered about the place. She was friendly and playful, and gentle. Some babies have lost their Mummy now, and I’ve lost my furry namesake.

Today is a sad day :(

Saturday
18/10/2008

6:05 pm

On living

So I’ve been on a new routine since I got back from China, the maximise life routine.  As many gigs/events/social things as possible, funded by working one weekend day a week.  Working 6 days a week is fine as long as I get one day to sleep lots (I’m not gonna get that this weekend :s) and the benefits are huge in that I can do so much, experience so much, and be so happy.  Last night I got drunk in the pub and it wasn’t a special occasion.  I had 5 hrs sleep then gave a friend a lift into the city to hunt down a parcel at a post office depot before it shut.  I tell you London looked so beautiful today, and seeing it from behind the bars of my bike was perhaps the best way.

I got home and Dad thinks he’s found a possible new motorbike for me, a CBF600S.  It’s a “proper” bike and he reckons it’s low enough for me, so I guess I’ll be needing a test drive ;)

And now? I’m off to a BBQ.  I think I might be starting to enjoy life.  And mostly as a solo entity too!

Monday
19/05/2008

7:05 pm

Exhausted



Exhausted

Originally uploaded by charleebrown.


So having arrived home at around 6:30 on Sunday morning (thanks to a damned expensive taxi as trains weren’t starting for another 2 hrs when I left the club), I went to bed, natch. To be woken by pan at 12:00 *groan*. It took me another 2 hrs to get back to sleep, which I was gonna desperately need to get through a night of Psy Trance.

Anyway, I got some, got ready and headed to Ealing to meet Pan and friend and go on to Brixton for Psychadelic Academy 005. We headed in just in time for Astrix’s set, having raided the glow stalls. Then came Infected, Oh Boy. The guitarist was fucking amazing. At the beginning of the set he was even playing with his teeth! I love infected. Had my feet not hurt so much from wearing stupid boots (note to self trainers in future for dancing) I’d've been dancing away with my glowsticks all night. Pan and friend bailed early leaving me and Helen to get closer to the music. The only downside? They had techinal difficulties that lead to the music stopping abruptly 5 times. Apparently this was because they were drawing too much power, must’ve been tripping something, but it was damned annoying. But they played 3 of my favs including Becoming Insane which I must say I believe to be one of the best tunes ever.

Then I whimped out and headed home, sharing yet another mini cab with a stranger going kinda the same way. I got in around 6am, and woke up around 15:00. Today I’ve mostly played Guitar Hero (I’m on the Hard level now) and caught up with Desperate Housewives.

No more heavy weekends for a while now, although still got stuff planned. This is the life :D